MMBM: Vontaze Burfict Holed Up In Ecuadorian Embassy In London To Avoid Extradition To The United States
Its a sad day for democracy in the NFL when Roger Goodell decides he has the power to have a player extradited from England just because hes single-handedly ruined more careers then marijuana and the Cleveland Browns combined. Burfict landed with his teamates in London early this morning after beating the colts like a dead horse and was immedately notified by local athorities and interpol informant Mark Davis that he is wanted back in the United States on trumped up charges that he violated his quintuple-secret probation after spearing Jack Doyle. It pains me to say it but Vontaze Burfict is being unfairly singled out by the SJW player safetey committee just because hes basicaly a concussive grenade in shoulder pads.
Fortunately Burfict has options. The Ecuadorian embassy in London has historicaly been a safe-space for slimy guys who have been malinged for putting out unfortunate videos of attacks invovling Manning’s old coworkers. Roger Goodell might kick and scream like hes getting his leg twisted at the bottom of a pile, but now hes on Burficts home-court at a signifcant disadvantage.
Also- with fines over the course of his career totalling over $400,000, Vontaze has given the most to league charities of any other player in the modern era. The league should build a statue of him and Bill Romanowski shaking hands outside the new stadium in Las Vegas as a thank you for heping to repair all the damage they’ve done over the years. Better yet if the league was smart they’d get creative and learn how to use his presence as a postive rather than a negative. Some ideas for how to handle him:
-The league could even explore installing a player safetey VonTAZER inside his pads, a device controlled by league-appointed Burfict-spotter Michael Vick who is observing him on every play, ready to administer a mild electric shock rendering him temporarly paralyzed whenever he lowers his head. We have the technology.
-The NFL could have a league-wideVontaze Burfict awareness month where every team wears a penalty-flag colored ribbon on there helmets and the league donates 1% of all merchandise sold to purchase nano-bubble infused water for every team thats playing the Raiders to use in their gatorade coolers.
-Put him in a system with accountabilty. Burficts clumsiness can be blamed on some of the more lassaiz-faires coaches he’s had throughout his career like Marvin Lewis and whoever is coaching the Raiders defense. If you get him in a system with a strong discplinarian like Gregg Williams he should be able to straighten himself right out.
Perhaps the Patriots could be a good landing spot for the misunderstood linebacker. Look at New Englands track record of turning around player behavior and accountabilty- Corey Dillon, Randy Moss, Aaron Hernandez was cut immedately after violating the teams zero-tolerence “no murder” policy. Accordingly I will be hestant to condemn Vontaze until Rodney Harrison weighs in on his suspension on next weeks Football Night in America.
Vontaze is a classic case of a guy you hate playing against but woud love to have on your team mostly so that you can get to use his parking space during the 6-12 games per year that hes supsended. Vontaze is a guy who would of dominated in the good old days before there were things like slow motion replays of avoidable injuries. It seems he’s a product of being born at the wrong time, like a dinosaur in Jurrassic Park who thinks Ford Explorers are sexual competition. Its almost like when he was a sperm he was so quick twitch that he broke the speed of light and traveled into the future before making a violent head first collison with the ovum, sending it careening into the arena-football-like wall of the uterus and putting his moms mentruation on the IR for 9 months.
We also have to ask ourselves is it more dangerous to have Vontaze Burfict not playing football than it is to have him closeley monitored in a sport that allows him to get out his aggression in a legal manner in upwards of 60% of the hits that he makes? Now instead of attacking people in pads and helmets were going to have Burfict roaming the pool halls and back alleys of North America with pent up aggression.
Now Burfict gets the last laugh as he got to rack up all the frequent flyer miles on the plane to london before being whisked away back to the states. If the league wants to talk about extradition- how about they adress the ex-tradition of how they no longer have 9 o’clock AM games in London so I dont have to get out of bed all sunday- thereby curing me of MY brain injury of being to hungover to move to my couch or form coherent sentences. Just a thought.
Onto the rest of the column
Private First Class Swag Kellys weekly letter home:
Yo ma
Being on the practice squads fucken sick I went to applebeers (lmao) in my jersey to watch for the game,was trying to pull some strange or see if i could score some half deece yay for the game and ya boy got hooked up with 20% off his vegas bombs. This woadie came up spittin game and asked me if i was andrew luck i said yeah and we realy hit it off before her husband called me a pussy for retiring so i had to clear the air and she was realy into my honesty. shes pregnant so she was sticking to mich ultras its early but i think she might be the one. Halloweens coming up soon i decided not to do blackface because of that kid in iowa who got elected prime minister or something, so i think im just gona go dressed up in handcuffs so if the cops see me making bad choices there just gona think im already under arrest by another cop and they wont try to hem me up its probably my best idea yet.
I havent really heard from coach about making the 53 man roster or anything so im jus chillen marinating the whole town in swag. This citys becoming swagramento out here i was trending on my nextdoor app most of the weekend and i think im gonna buy a airsoft gun and get some NOS installed on my vespa. time to shake the branches of this town and smoke out whoever falls out.
One love,
Swag
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Lots of fake reports flying in the ol rumor box that Roquan Smith crashed his lambo on Saturday night and thats why he wasnt in the active roster for the Bears verse the Vikings. Sources close to him seem to indicate that this story could be false much to the chagrin of Lance Briggs. Now ProfootballTalk is reporting that he might not make the trip to London, and Mike never misses a opportunty to falsely report a football players involvement in a accident so I tend to lean towards skepticism on all the baseless speculation. Plus if Smith was realy involved in a DUI incident youd think the Bears would automatically take him to London given his comfort level in driving on the wrong side of the road.
2. Im officially carried away with Gardner Minshew. Some things off the top of my head that Gardner makes me want to do this week:
-Get my commercal drivers license so I can load a Foreigner tribute band into the back of a tractor-trailer and have them jam out like in Mad Max Fury road as they play Hot Blooded and I crash through the gate at area-51
-Call a Tawny Kittain lookalike dominatrix and have her choke me out with a electric eel
-fight a kangaroo and lose badly but then go out for beers with it afterwards and beat up a bunch of bad guy’s who decided to shark the wrong pool hall
-Trade Nick Foles to the Bears
3. Lots of people are giving Coach Andy Reid a tough time for saying that Mozart was a painter:
Andy dosen’t have time for your arts and humanties he’s too busy trying to win football games. As far as football coaches know if its got ART in it, its a ART. Coach Briles was well known for his minimalist approaches to filling out certain types of paperwork. Modell put together dozens of still-life offenses. You have to be literal when your a football guy- William Shakespear was a hunter. Eric Berry was a gravedigger. Mecole Hardman does stag films. Morris Claiborne was conceived in a kiln. You can never have enough Byron Pringles on your team. Tyreek Hill can go take a hike. These are not hard concepts.
4. Patrick Mahomes played indoors for the first time in his professonal career and it must of realy pissed off god who didnt get a chance to watch him, because he threw for a pedestrian 300 yds and zero TDs. Perhaps more ugently the CIA was unable to keep drone-strike tabs on Frank Clark during this 4 hour period. I find it a little supsicious that two AFC teams- the Chargers and the Raiders- are getting new stadiums as we speak and there both going to have domes in a effort to exploit Mahomes only weakness- roofs. But remember- not every Michaelanglo symphony was as good as his work on the cieling of the sistene chapel, and you have to be able to win ugly too.
5. The Patriots and Bills had a showdown but the most exiting part of the game took place before kickoff as Buffalo Coach Sean McDermott chased a couple Pats officals off the field like a labrador running canadian geese out of his backyard. And it just so happens one of those Patriots officials was Bill Belichicks son…
Belichick cheating with his own son is what Brady does every week, and its this type of consistency that seperates the good organizations from the great ones. There was a wedding at halftime were we saw Jim Kelly as a ring-bearer for the first time in his life, and dildos were thrown like grains of rice as they walked off the field. Truly a afternoon to remember in Buffalo.
Genesis Halftime Show:
Time for the Genesis Halftime Show presented by…
Pardon My Take. This weeks sponsor is Pardon My Take. On todays epsode we have special guests Big Cat and Hank from Barstool Sports’ Pardon My Take podcast recapping the entire NFL weekend. Listen to it now, wherever podcasts are sold. And now back to the column:
6. Calling all bargain hunters- if your a Redskins fan you can probably get a ticket for seating behind a giant cement pillar and parking pass for this sundays Washington/New England game where the Redskins will start Case Keenum again, lose by 100, and put Dwayne Haskins in only on 3rd and long situations with no tight ends or blocking running backs for just under $300.
Want to hear some thoughts about Haskins? Well he took a page out of the Wade playbook because Dwayne got his ass eaten out big time. Washingtons strategy of “putting the rookie into his first game that there losing badly without taking any reps with the first team because fuck it” strangeley didnt pan out depsite the fact that they really hoped that it would and Dan Snyder is gassing up various jets to pay visits to any coach dumb enough to work for him ,leavng his options with probly Will Muschamp and the guy whose biggest career accomplishment is not fucking a shark. Here are some other coaches the Skins should be targeting:
-Archie Manning so that he make’s his grandson Arch demand a trade on draftnight from the London Jaguars
-A Boston Dynamics robot dog with hip displasia
-Steve Spurrier in a work-from home capacty
-Kellen Moore just so Jerry Jones has to pay him a few extra million to be the Cowboys shadow goverment head coach until such technology exists for Jerry to have his own frozen brain put into Jason Garretts secretly assasinated dead body
7. It seems like Trouble in paradise between Kirk Cousins and Adam Thielen in Minnesota. After the game, Thielen said at some point you have to be able to connect on the deep ball and seemed frustrated with his Quarterback for his all-around lack of Sloterness. This is the most passive agressive fight ever. It starts with Thielen skipping over a couple of Creed songs during a team lift, and before you know it it escalates to Kirk “forgetting” to include Thielen in his prayer book, or potentially going out of his way to include him even more often in his letters to the Lord as a subtle way of letting God know that Adams not good enough on his own. Cousins is a great Quarterback statisticaly compared to the other 7 billion people on earth and we should not lose sight of that but hes starting to act out by growing a beard, making it harder to tell when hes turning the other cheek.
*when someone accdentally puts on the uncensored version of Mumford and Sons “Little Lion Man”*
8. I miss a good story about a kicker wearing a tiny shoe thats way smaller then the one on his plant foot. We have more NFL journalists then at any other time throughout human history and they’re all busy digging up dirt about sexual assault allegatons instead of churning out copy about important stuff like how Matt Prater puts his right puma into a convection oven for six hours before kickoff.
9. Kind of intresting that on Rosh Hoshana no less, JC came up big for the Patriots and turned the tables on the Bills with two interceptions. Makes you think.
10. THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS
Lorenzo Neal and Mike Alstott came throught the studio last week and holy crap is all I have to say. Heres a exlusive behind the scenes video of us hanging out and bench pressing with them. Lorenzo literaly put up 75 reps:
Were trying to get Lorenzo into the Hall Of Fame- to support his cause heres his tshirt hes selling:
ON THE FIELD- This week a Pharoah took a page out of Moses playbook parting the seas and literaly led the way league-wide, racking up two Fullback assists for the Browns against the Ravens. Check out the Pharoah phlex after opening up a hole and letting Dontrell Hilliard walk like a egyptian through the Ravens with a single blow- a one-hit wonder that Ohio hasnt seen from the Bengals since the mid 80s.
I call this guy Jay Pharoah Brown because as a TE he does a pretty convincing impresson of a fullback and people only see his highlights on Sundays after the live performence is over.
Here are your updated Fullback assist stats for the league year 2019:
1. Kyle Juskczhckzyk- 4
2. (tie) Patrick Ricard, Patrick DiMarco, Alec Ingold, Pharoah Brown (2 each)
5. (tie) Darren Bates, Alex Ellis, Nick Bawden, CJ Ham, Danny Vitale, Zach Line, Elijaah Penny, Jamize Olawe (1 each)
Aaron Rodgers/Matt LaFleur Relationship Thermomemer:
We will be keeping track of the looming impolosion between the mercurial signal-caller and his first year head coach using the latest in scientific advancements- memes.
Matt LaFleur put all his eggs in Rogers basket in Thursday nights game verse the Eagles giving him complete autonomy to lose the game on his own by calling like 7 consecutive pass plays with goal to go in the fourth quarter. This is like Miagi letting Daniel-san fail on his own before realizing that maybe there are times when he dosent have all the answers. Maybe Aaron coud learn from Ralph Macchios “wax on, wax off” training and have a beautician take a look at his mustache.
This weeks rating: Lebron yelling at JR Smith
BONUS MEME: